Danny's paperwork was divided into two piles; one that dates back to after the word “party” became a verb but before the first Saturday Night Live was aired, and everything else. His inability to keep order in his life was a blessing, in that it led to him meeting his wife, Jennifer. However, after years of her attempts to organize his life, it was one of the reasons she was doing everything in her power to untie the knot that that kept them in a state of dysfunction for over a decade.
The nig…
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Added by ben goldarb on October 29, 2009 at 5:30am —
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It has been said that most Americans have a crisis at least once a decade. Danny Sanders was no exception to that rule. In fact, he was close to setting the country's new crisis curve.
Danny was a member of the Crisis-of-the-Month Club. He's been down and out about money, his career, and he was especially distraught when he was diagnosed with Color Uncoordinated Syndrome (CUS), which wreaked havoc on his wardrobe. Nonetheless, his latest breakdown put more strain on him than all the previous cr…
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Added by ben goldarb on January 14, 2009 at 7:16am —
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Beth stared at her computer screen at work. She just turned 35, old enough to run for president of the United States. However, she was still not married and stuck in a dead-end job that didn't speak to her soul. What's worse is she submitted a demo CD of her original music to a producer a year ago and Beth still hasn't yet responded to the pleas to move forward. What would it take for her to get out of her rut?
Each quarter, like clockwork, Beth receives a hand written note, barely legible, fro…
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Added by ben goldarb on December 31, 2008 at 5:33am —
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Their wedding, which was only three days ago, was a faint memory of smiling relatives, kamikaze photographers, and spicy Mexican food. Linda and Jon were ready for their two week honeymoon in the Caribbean. They only had to clear customs and then good times would begin. Unfortunately, this wasn’t going to be an easy task considering the baggage they were carrying.
As the newlyweds were having their luggage X-rayed, the custom officer’s eyes widened as he looked into the screen. He called over h…
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Added by ben goldarb on October 1, 2008 at 1:43pm —
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Aunt Gloria (http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull&cid=1212659717723) enjoyed complaining about everything that was wrong with the world. She was filled with scathing attacks on the Universe’s inability to cater to her every want and need. Unless Aunt Gloria underwent some kind of drastic change, she would go to the grave with gripes against every human being and institution with whom she ever had contact. The time for change was today.
Aunt Gloria wok…
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Added by ben goldarb on September 9, 2008 at 8:46am —
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One more signature and the divorce would be final. They had tried everything to stay together. Marriage counselors, gurus, and even low fat yogurt. Nothing seemed to put an end to their non-stop fighting and threats.
So instead of celebrating their 20th anniversary in Las Vegas, hitting the casinos and getting a tan by the pool, Jamie and Ronald were waiting in court to get the world's fastest divorce.
Judge Walter Sanders, who was decked out in full legal regalia, wasn't a big talker. He just…
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Added by ben goldarb on August 21, 2008 at 5:45am —
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Every weekday at 11:00 A.M, Monday through Friday, three retired professionals used to meet at the same café in Manhattan. They passed their time complaining about the government, society, and the inefficiency of the post office. After they ran out of things to critique, they paid their bill, left a hefty tip, and went home to their wives, who had some complaints of their own. But thanks to the FBI, today was going to follow a different pattern.
Peter Hart was the ringleader of the malcontents.…
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Added by ben goldarb on July 29, 2008 at 3:09am —
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Sam was a disgruntled K-mart manager going through a mid-life crisis. Nancy was a feminist social worker who was unaware that the 60s were over. From their meeting at a modest bastion of retail America, they were destined to change their views on marriage and music.
Nancy just finished shopping for the battered women at the halfway house where she volunteered. The women were comprised of drug addicts, teenage runaways, and shoplifters. The irony wasn't lost on her as the shoplifting alarm went…
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Added by ben goldarb on July 23, 2008 at 9:26am —
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It’s time to stop using the word “Why”. Unless you are a philosopher or an immigrant from a polysyllabic country, there is little reason to keep asking “Why”. Do a search in your brain for “Why” questions that don’t motivate you to take action and replace them with “How” questions.
“Why” is often used to make excuses and overuse of the word can lull us into victim mode. Here are some typical why questions:
Why didn’t I get that job?
Why did I sell those stocks?
Why does that man keep star…
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Added by ben goldarb on July 7, 2008 at 12:30pm —
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Jacob Silver was appointed the first Israeli ambassador to the Caribbean Island of Macocuo. Silver, a retired professor of linguistics, was excited about the position because he would be able to learn the exotic Macocuo whistle language. A native of Macocuo was sent to Tel Aviv to tutor Silver. Unfortunately, the tutor’s motives were less than honorable.
In case you were worried about a sudden shortage of anti-Semites, the tutor proved that the enemies of the Jewish people are alive and well, a…
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Added by ben goldarb on June 24, 2008 at 2:22am —
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Jane overheard the doctor speaking to her parents in the emergency room as she was regaining consciousness. She was alive and unscathed by any serious physical injuries. However, her MRI revealed an injury that would lead to interesting consequences for her.
Jane was the victim of a collision between a parked car that somehow smashed into the motorcycle she was riding at 120 mph. Her doctor labeled her survival as nothing less than a medical miracle.
“What do you mean by interesting consequenc…
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Added by ben goldarb on June 11, 2008 at 12:29pm —
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There are 304 million Americans, and each one of them has been to Starbucks® 3 times in the last 40 minutes. On the other end of the popularity spectrum, less than 50% of eligible Americans® have registered to vote in the upcoming presidential elections. To make matters worse, 20% of those who did register are planning on not voting TWICE this November.
As concerned American citizens who love democracy, free elections, and flavored coffee, we need to leverage the popularity of Starbucks® to tur…
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Added by ben goldarb on June 3, 2008 at 11:41pm —
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My name is Gil. I’m 35, newly engaged, and gainfully employed in my own time-sharing business. After several months of hearing my fiancée Angelica’s lectures about her biological clock ticking, I developed an issue with my biological clock. Due to my DNA malfunctioning, I’m starting to get younger.
It all started when I noticed my receding hairline was beginning to fill in. In addition, my prematurely graying hair returned to its original color. I went to my family physician and told him my con…
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Added by ben goldarb on May 28, 2008 at 2:46am —
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If your dating hasn’t led you to your life partner yet, then you might want to try a different approach. The following guidelines will help you find your soul mate.
1. Showing up
Show up on time, but come as you are. Forget about showering and finding the perfect outfit. Go ahead and arrive after working out at the gym, running, or meeting with your parole officer. When married, we usually don’t have the time to create our ideal state before getting together, so get used to it now.
2. Locatio…
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Added by ben goldarb on May 21, 2008 at 1:41pm —
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HI.
This isn't a blog,but just a chance to show my appreciation to my new family at Iowa Avenue.
You can download this CD for free until midnight . May 18th sunday night
http://www.lulu.com/content/360288
Use stereo earphones and don't listen to this while driving or operating heavy machinery. It could make you spacey:>
Your feedback is always appreciate.
Take care,
Ben
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Added by ben goldarb on May 16, 2008 at 5:59am —
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I wasn't much of a swimmer, but for some reason, I joined the swim team anyway. I don't know what motivated me to inflict this punishment on myself. I dove into the ice cold water every weekday morning of my summer vacation at 7 o'clock. I asked myself the same question that many athletes ask during challenging times, "What am I doing out of bed?"
Our team had a meeting at the beginning of each week. We would discuss various issues such as upcoming field trips, facts and fantasies about the tea…
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Added by ben goldarb on May 14, 2008 at 8:44am —
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Although many kids feel they are raising their parents (http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=
JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull&cid=1192380814685), we have the ominous task of raising the next generation of hard working, moral, and table-mannered citizens.
Parenting is both the most difficult and the most rewarding profession on earth. It is riddled with a mixture of joy, sadness, and the constant worry that one of our children will end up being a game show host.
Here are the 7.3 sec…
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Added by ben goldarb on May 6, 2008 at 10:30am —
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Kevin Neil had the all the warning signs of a hijacker. Nervous affect, beady eyes, and uneven sideburns. But no airport security system in the world could detect his weapon. He was interrogated and searched by uniformed personnel and was allowed to board, even though he was indeed armed. His weapon was the uncanny ability to make everyone around him feel real bad.
You see, Kevin was an emotional terrorist. An emotional terrorist is not to be confused with a terrorist who has frequent mood swin…
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Added by ben goldarb on April 29, 2008 at 10:18am —
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Karen wasn’t much different than most of her 10 year old peers. She loved rollerblading, watched "High School Musical" 1 and 2, and enjoyed outsmarting her parents whenever possible. The main difference between her and her classmates was that Karen could perform miracles.
She learned about her gift during a slumber party at her house. At midnight, Karen and her friends played a game in which Karen pretended she was a genie. Her friends asked the genie to grant their wishes.
One friend asked fo…
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Added by ben goldarb on April 14, 2008 at 11:35am —
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Sometimes we learn fascinating things about ourselves during moments of truth. There is a wealth of self-knowledge that surfaces in situations when we react on instinct alone. Of course, we sometimes make poor decisions when there's plenty of time to weigh the facts, but that's the subject of another column.
I had one of those instinctual moments a few years back while I was in the IDF. Our reserve unit was asked to find a terror suspect in a certain Arab village near Jerusalem.
It had been a…
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Added by ben goldarb on April 11, 2008 at 7:12am —
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