The 7.3 radical spins on dating

[ben goldarb]

If your dating hasn’t led you to your life partner yet, then you might want to try a different approach. The following guidelines will help you find your soul mate.

1. Showing up

Show up on time, but come as you are. Forget about showering and finding the perfect outfit. Go ahead and arrive after working out at the gym, running, or meeting with your parole officer. When married, we usually don’t have the time to create our ideal state before getting together, so get used to it now.

2. Location

Real life isn’t about sipping coffee and eating cinnamon rolls. Try the following option for your first date.

Meet at a carpenter’s workshop. Build a bookshelf, a stereo cabinet or maybe some farming implements. Anyone can ingest food, but only a select few can construct something together without getting into a fight.

3. Conversation

Forget those meaningless discussions highlighting your good points. Instead, be brutally honest. Although I met my wife 10 years before we got married, when we started talking about tying the knot, I decided to reveal my deep, dark secrets. I didn’t want her to have any surprises during the marriage.

For example, I told her about my nasty habit of biting nails, or more specifically, biting other people’s nails.

When she didn’t balk, I showed her my picture taken immediately upon awakening in the morning. She decided to marry me anyway.

4. Timing

Call your date 10 minutes before she has a deadline or 45 minutes after he has fallen asleep. Learn how they deal with pressure or exhaustion.

5. Projects

Don’t just get together and talk. Involve yourselves in projects. Here are some ideas:

Adopt a puppy, a dysfunctional family or a third world country. See how your teamwork plays itself out.

Start a campaign to bring free meals back to the airlines or a public service project to teach diction to President Bush. Measure each other’s idealism when working on your social activism.

6. Assess character traits

Physical beauty is great, but character traits outlive our looks. Is your date kind to strangers, patient with children, and playful with DMV employees? If not, remember that magical word: Next.

7. Analyze your personality change

Does she bring out your best, your worst, or perhaps your secret desire to open up a Viking restaurant? Is this transformed person you become in her presence the one with whom you want to spend the rest of your life?

.3 Deciding

In his book, Blink, Malcolm Gladwell discusses our ability to make decisions based on instinct. While you shouldn’t agree to get married based on your gut feelings alone, steps 1-7 will help you confirm what you already intuited after the first .3 seconds of meeting your date. If your conscious and unconscious minds are on the same page, then go for it. If not, then test out your teamwork in a different third world country.


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Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to [e-mail]. Visit his blog at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com.

© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

[David]

We are lucky to have our own residential and International columnist like Ben at Iowa Avenue.

Check out his same column at the Jerusalem Post by Ben.

[David]

Ben, you're right. Being married, or in a relationship, is all about life's trials and tribulations, and seeing if each potential mate can not only deal with each others issues, but deal with life's issues together, in a mutually aligned manner, with being able to resolve conflicts sensibly and with mutual sensitivity for each other.